I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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