until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
