I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
