Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
