So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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