No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
