Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
