2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she smelled like a LAN party
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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