I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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