I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
