Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
