You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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