I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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