did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
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we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
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I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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