I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
