i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?