Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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