If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.