I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.