god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
