So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
