if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
