Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
