She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
