I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
