sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
