I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
