I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
