At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
