My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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