why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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