Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
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But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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