Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You are a genius and a whore.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
