is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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