yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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