Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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