she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
