You're completely useless in the revolution.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
