I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
