people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize