Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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