Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
