Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
