you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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