it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
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Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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