Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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