I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
