Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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