I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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