sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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