new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
