mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
