someone get that fucking seahorse.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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