Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
