ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
