mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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