I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
