Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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