Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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