it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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