how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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